#SloterSZN
A lot of people are talking about whether Vikings quarterback Kyle Sloter should be QB3 or QB2 on the depth chart. In reality, he should be neither.
Week 1 of the NFL season is rapidly approaching. The Vikings have just one more preseason showdown against the high-flying Bills before they kick off their regular season at home next week against the Atlanta Falcons. With high hopes of another miraculous 9-7 season on the horizon, the the Vikings need to make the most important decision they’ve made in a long time, and put the right man under center.
Reasons Kyle Sloter Should Over Kirk Cousins Start Week 1
REASON 1: The Name
Kirk Cousins’ name is fucking Kirk. I mean come on. Kirk? Really? You can’t be a likable guy and also be named Kirk. Think of one single Kirk you’ve met in your life that you think fondly of….. Exactly. If you type “Kirk” into google translate you’ll find that it’s literally the german word for “fuckwad.”
REASON 2: The Height
Kyle Sloter is 6’5. I mean that is enormous. At 6’5, Sloter is arguably the tallest living person that I can think of since Yao Ming is dead. How tall is Kirk Cousins, you ask? A mere 6’3. Practically a midget at that stature. Couldn’t even play power forward in the WNBA at that height. He’d get absolutely bodied in the post. Sloter on the other hand would go 10-10-10. Triple double average. A steak and potatoes power forward. Nothin fancy, just getting the job done like only a 6’5 giant can.
REASON 3: The Looks
I mean, he’s not wrong. Just a creepy looking guy. He looks like the altar boy version of Normal Spongebob. How many times has that face knocked on your door and asked if you have a second to talk about your Lord and Savior. Cousins just has that smile that the cashier at Trader Joes who’s way too excited about his job has. He’s just got that vibe to him. If Kirk Cousins secretly ran the entire mormon church I wouldn’t be surprised… something is off.
REASON 4: The Talent
Kirk Cousins isn’t good at playing football. He’s something like 4-25 against teams with winning records. He doesn’t have the clutch gene. And guess what? Kyle Sloter never fucking loses. Ever. He’s 23-27 with 3 TDs and 0 INTs so far this preseason. He went bananas last preseason as well.
He is, without question, the undisputed best preseason QB of all time.
FACT: Sloter has never thrown a single incomplete pass in the playoffs.
FACT: Cousins has 65 career interceptions. Sloter has 0. I rest my case.
REASON 5: Sloter is a friend of the program
I gave you all the reasons. The name, the height, the looks, the talent: Sloter has the advantage in all of the important categories for successful QBs. He is the greatest preseason QB of all time. But most importantly Sloter is a friend of Any Last Takes. He was the first ever guest on Fuzzy’s podcast. He sent us Sloter House merch. He’s a fucking winner. To hell with fighting to be QB2. Sloter needs to start. Give Kirk his $84 million and tell him to enjoy the show from the bench. It’s Sloter Season.
Any Last Takes 